Column: How to be a College Student

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Being a college student isn’t easy, there’s a lot of work involved and there are standards you have to meet. The first thing you have to do, as soon as you start university, is re-evaluate your drinking habits, if you have a few beers on a night out every couple of weeks you’ve got to up your game, that’s just not going to cut it. Unhealthy levels of alcoholism are standard and if you can’t drink cheap beer in severe quantities a couple of times a week then you’re in the wrong place, hit the road son.

A second necessity for a college student is a gym membership. You spend 250 euro on it at the start of the year but if you make it once a week it’s a miracle. Any conversation you have about exercise while you’re at university has to go like this: Person A: ‘You coming to the gym today lad?’ Person B: ‘Nah man I’m too hungover, have to let the body recover’. Person A: ‘Fair enough we’ll head tomorrow’. Unfortunately for your body, tomorrow never comes, because 2-euro cans of lager don’t leave the system in just a day, oh no, that hangover is going nowhere fast and by the time you feel well enough to actually hit the gym, it’s time to go out again. It’s okay though because your dance moves after a six-pack of Linden Village are so violently energetic that you burn any calories you take in, most of which come from cheap Aldi pizzas and Fulfil bars.

Standard number three that you have to meet in college is your online persona, and I don’t mean your Instagram page, I’m talking about the videos everyone else puts up on their snapchat story while you’re absolutely steaming. There needs be at least one video of you breaking your nose, while trying to do the worm, in circulation at any given time. Pumping out ridiculous drunken content every week isn’t easy, but as soon as you start you have a duty to your peers to continue.

Finally, the most important part about being a student is the work, as boring as it might be, we wouldn’t be able to get drunk and fall off a table every Monday night if we didn’t put in the work. I’m not talking about going to lectures, yes they might help, but let’s be real, the chances of you making your 9 o’ clock after not getting home until 5 in the morning are fairly slim and as soon as you miss the first one there’s no point going to the rest of them, so just hit the library instead. A standard college timetable generally goes something like this: Get your assignments and exam dates on week 1… then leave everything until week 12, pull 3 all-nighters, get 45 minutes of sleep at the library desk every now and then and buy two Red Bulls at a time, one to keep you awake and one to hold against your forehead in an attempt to ease the headache you’ve had since Sunday because you went out Saturday night, when you shouldn’t have, knowing full well that you had an unholy amount of work this week. Luckily though, you can justify this chronic behaviour because you managed to write four essays, cram for three exams and throw together five reflection papers in four days and still pass all your modules, impressive.

So being a student isn’t easy, (which is mainly our own fault but we’ll say nothing about that) but it is definitely worth it. Happy studying!!!

-Daniel Potter